For the past couple of years Bluey’s has run a competition to find Australia’s funniest Ute Yarns, with a $1000 cash prize. The FORTY best Yarns, together with 60 photos and cartoons, were published in 1998 in a book called “Real Aussies Drive Utes”. That book became a Best Seller, and now another FORTY Ute Yarns have just been released in our second book, entitled “Real Aussies Drive Utes II”.
To give you a taste of these Yarns, here is just one of the Yarns from the new book…. enjoy it…. and if you’d like to order a book ($20), call or email Bluey’s and we’ll deliver it out to you, it makes a fantastic gift.
Belle fell in love with Rory at first sight. She fell hard and fast; instantly infatuated the first time she laid eyes on him. Her girl friends were most envious because she was so sure of her feelings so quickly. They asked her what was the big attraction. Deep down she knew, but to be honest she was too embarrassed to tell them. She couldn’t bring herself to put it into words. Fact was, it all started long before she even met Rory.
Rory drove a slightly used Hilux Ute. It was an ’87 dual cab with five on the floor 329,000 on the clock. He did all his own work on the Ute, which was the only reason it still ran. Not to say it was an unreliable Ute, it wasn’t. But you just needed to know which panel to bang, which wire to tug or which screw to tighten to make it start or stop or whatever.
Whenever Rory worked on his Ute, or anything else for that matter, he seemed to be able to inflict an injury on himself. Like one time when he replaced the Hilux’s wiper rubbers, he almost slashed his finger to the bone with the Stanley knife. When rotating his bald tyres the jack slipped and the tyre lever broke off the top of one of his two front teeth.
Another time he was lying underneath inspecting the holes in his exhaust system, and he managed to get dirt in his left eye, resulting in a trip to hospital to get it cleaned. He once got concussed when he caught his foot on the top of the tailgate while leaping out of the tray; he hit his head so hard on the grass that he passed out for a few seconds. “Not the first time anyone was knocked cold by grass” said his Old Man with a twinkle in his eye, hoping desperately that someone would catch his pathetic double meaning.
Perhaps the most significant and the most painful injury ever suffered related to Rory’s altercation with the Hilux’s radiator.
Rory used to cart the most outrageous loads of stuff in his Ute, and it was very prone to overheating, especially on hot summer days. Being an ex Boy Scout, Rory used to carry a 20 litre plastic drum of water in the back for whenever the radiator boiled. He knew the radiator leaked and that it probably needed flushing, but he doubted whether he could stand the injuries that such a repair job would inflict. Instead, he just waited until she boiled, then after a while he’d ease off the radiator cap and fill her up with cold water. He’d always keep the motor running so as not to allow the cold water to crack the overheated block.
Well, one hot summer’s day Rory had a huge load on board. Paul, a “mate” had talked him into using the Ute to carry a load of ice for the local B&S Ball, which was on that very night. They had loaded a small (but quite heavy) refrigeration unit onto the Ute. They loaded it “onto” and not “into” the Ute, because the refrigeration unit was too large to sit down on the floor, so they tied it down on the top rails where it caused precarious swaying of the Ute due to the high centre of gravity. The unit was filled with ice, so the load was way beyond safe loading limits.
As they approached the B&S venue, the poor old Hilux was laboring in third and started to boil. Paul didn’t want to stop, because they were running late and the ice was melting. Rory knew that if he just kept going the Ute may go off like a bomb. “We’ll pull over for a few seconds and ram some water into the radiator” said Rory. “Well bloody hurray up mate, we don’t want this load of ice to turn to water before we can plug the Fridge into the mains”.
Rory pulled off the road next to an old fence. He lifted the bonnet and steam was spurting out from a couple of cracks in the radiator, as well as from underneath the cap. “Never seen her this hot before” Rory moaned.
Rory was in favour of letting her cool off a bit to allow the steam pressure to subside, but Paul was impatient. After a short argument, Rory decided he’d better get the cap off pronto and throw some cool water down the Hilux’s parched throat. Looking around the Ute, he didn’t have a rag to use as an insulator between him and the steam, but he had a bright idea.
Climbing up onto the top of the adjacent post and rail fence, Rory balanced himself and placed his left foot down onto the radiator cap. “Should be OK if I just ease her off” he thought to himself. “I can hold the cap down with me foot until some of the pressure escapes”. He was wearing a pair of pretty heavy duty Redback boots with steel toecaps, so how could he get hurt ?
As he stood down and twisted the cap, it let go under the enormous pressure of 100cc of water boiling at a million degrees! The cap slewed sideways, and Rory’s foot slipped off the radiator. A geyser of steam and boiling water shot skyward, straight up the left leg of Rory’s shorts, knocking Rory off the fence and into the grass.
As he lay there clutching his groin, Rory’s life flashed before him, and he entered into the true, awful and indescribable experience of Pure Pain. He’d had has balls knocked, kicked, ground and punched before in earlier accidents, but never before had he had them braised, boiled, cooked, roasted and fried, all at the same time.
It was nearly two months after this accident, after he’d just been released from hospital, that Belle had fallen in love with Rory.
Belle will never forget it. She was sipping a lemon-lime-and-bitters at the local beer garden, when this young man caught her eye. First of all she just saw him from the waist up as he walked along behind the hedge, heading for the beer garden gate. He appeared tall, slender and tanned, and was wearing a red and white checked shirt. He had a strange sort of swagger. Under his Akubra he also had a sort of cute grin, accentuated by his chipped front tooth.
As he swung through the beer garden gate, Belle saw Rory head-on for the first time. Below his shirt he sported a pair of tight blue Wrangler jeans, which fell away into his RM Williams boots.
However the most stunning aspect of his appearance was that he walked with the most incredible bow-legged gait that she’d ever seen. She was swamped with thoughts of John Wayne, The Lawman, Reno, Nevada, Longhorns, Johnny Yuma, Lonesome Dove, and Little Joe Cartwright, all rolled into one. She suddenly realised for the first time in her life that ever since she was a little girl she had sub-consciously fantasised about being swept off her feet by her very own outback cowboy. NOW it had happened.
As they slowly got to know each other better, her outback cowboy more and more impressed her. They discussed everything as they rode around in his Hilux Ute, making plans for the future. They even talked about sex once, but, with tears in his eyes, Rory assured her that he was not interested, and was saving himself for marriage. He proved to her that he wasn’t like all the other louts that she’d met in town. He was in no hurry to rush her into his swag in the back of his Hilux. He was a pure gentleman… he respected her as a woman and as a person; he treated her like a real lady!
THIS, thought Belle, is TRUE LOVE.